Kick-ass!

As you may have guessed from the frankly quite sparse titling job, this particular post is to be a review of Kick-Ass, the recent blockbuster with mixed reviews and a surprisingly low-key British management. But before any of that I've been asked to run this campaign, I apologize for any offence caused therein:

Is it possible for two people to vacuum a floor at one time? Well it's possible but what's the point? Common housework is done along with a song or an apron on. It is not often a team job.

But as we all know advertising agents are satanic, evil, tight-fisted cockmunchers who step on every head they can find and sniff their farts like they were eau de toillete. And in their many misadventures to the top of their desperate ring-licking scramble for ultimate advertising glory they tend to fire a 9mm shit into the skull of every Tom, Dick and Harry that crosses their path. Vacuuming is their most recent victim.

For years vacuuming alone was an exercise in quiet self and home improvement, but it is now slated by every cleaning agent in the western world. On and on they ramble about how their product works much better than "vacuuming alone" but it's lies! Garbage from the lips of those most loathsome creatures on earth: the advertiser. Vacuuming leaves no room for any improvement. It is a gap in space which sucks any for of matter into it! What more do you want? Do you want a little butler inside the vacuum, nibbling away on all the disgusting dust and particles of shit and toenail clippings so you don't have to dispose of it yourself? And then maybe he can off himself once you switch it off to save you the sound of his incessant breathing? And to get rid of the body you can simply order a slightly larger butler with even quieter breathing and a better capacity to digest skin flakes? No none of that makes sense. So stand up, shut up, and plug in the vacuum.

Thank you.

That message was from the RSPDH. You can google them if you don't believe me. They're bloody mental! Anyway it's my turn to do a review, following the review/random rant chain. So here we go.

If you're excited by action, which I'm actually certain that every single person on the planet is, even if they don't like to admit it (I even suspect that the dog-breeders next door are often partial to a light Tom Cruise after walkies), and not just the kind of crappy action you get if you sit through a script so dire that is makes Danny Dyer look less dire, then this is the film for you. And by you I mean Earthlings. I would be literally offended if you did not get this film at least as soon as you realised it was out on dvd and had about 3 hours in which you could watch it, then reflect upon the incredibility of what you just saw.

There were parts in this film where it felt like someone had sneakily hooked up a car battery to my penis. Volt after volt of amazement at how well written, funny, pacy, violent and also really cool the film was. I was worried at the start that it was another one of those Epic Movie and Disaster Movie kind of things which literally make me want to reach inside myself, rip out my spinal cord and flog myself with it until I drown in my own frothy, masochistic, joy blood. And I say joy because even death would come sweet compared to a single minute being filled with such incredibly churned up tripe.

But back to Kick-Ass. I'm worried that i may be blinded here by naivety or a love for dark comedy, but my opinion is all i have to offer, so take it or leave it, Fatboy. After watching the film I found myself drowning my friends with sentences beginning with the words: "Theres this bit where..." and then carrying on to be disappointed by my inability to describe how amazing the scene/dialogue/explosion was. I bow down to the actors in this film. I would happily spent eternity performing sick sexual rituals on their every whim. And the writer! Well the writer's honour I would proudly defend with two dry matches and a stick. It's amazing. I've tried writing my own funny/edgy/action film. Here's a taster:

Nerd in love with babe: Have sex with me babe.

Babe: (not convinced) I'm not convinced.

Nerd in love with babe: If i could prise all the keys from my keyboard, I'd put U and I together.

Babe: They are together Dipshit.

(giant explosion)

You see? And I'm a pretty good writer. Coming up with something like Kick-Ass is a helluva lot of work. So thank you. And goodbye.

This week Robbie went to see Kick-Ass. He later commented: "That film was Kick-Ass! 10/10"