Why everything feels wrong...

Oh e4,

Beautiful, pitiful e4,

I see you there, amid the remnants of your shattered dreams,

you were hip, funny, flashy,

you had that voice-over guy,

oh e4,

where are you now?

Beneath the tattered robes of some late-night high-budget flop-out sitcom,

rolling lavishly in recycled drama, caught up in the ratings storm?

I see you e4,

and I'm not happy.

Yes I'm afraid it's time to denounce our beloved channel for all but the occasional repeat of our favourite sitcom, and perhaps a bit of inbetweeners but NO MORE! For e4 has failed us, yes you e4, i see you watching, come over here it's okay, come on. Yes you have failed us. What were yuo thinking? A phone shop? Ooh look at me, I'm a little man pretending to be David Brent surrounded by scary gangster people WRONG! Yes I have hit you. Well I'm just making a point. Shut up, I'm not finished. And Ugly Betty? Drop that stuff! Drop it like it's hot, and covered in gaudy TV vomit. Drop it into a vat of something unthinkable and then walk away. e4, you know I love you, but you're bringing me down. What's that? It's okay? Why? A new series? Of what? Desperate what? Oh. Oh god. Oh spare me. Oh jesus I promised myself... I'm sorry e4. Don't look at me like that! I'm sorry! I'm switching to sky1.

If you're anything like me, which I doubt, this'll be the drama playing out inside your head too. But if you're female e4 will be a big brute man with chest hair and a chiselled physique, whereas in my brain e4 is a foxy mistress, with flowing blond hair and a gigantic wardrobe and... and... oh e4 why? WHY!?