The Importance Of Being French

Good evening, people who read my blog. As you may have already figured out, many of my posts are an incessant rambling with no comprehensive beginning or end. Today, however, I write to you from France, and upon a majorly screwed keyboard.



Why is he there? You may ask. Well, my dear fellow, I'm afraid I'm here on holiday, for a good long month of isolation, beaches, french people, and a disgusting lack of internet. I mean what is it with that? Why wouldn't you get WiFi? I used to look at WiFi as some sort of new-fangled luxury but I now realise it is my god-given right! No access to the world wide web means:





1. No Blogging (apart from...now)


2. No Googling the definitions of things to seem smart (admit it!)


3. No porn


4. (and most importantly) NO PORN!!!





Of course I wasn't really misusing the web that way. I was just joking then, just to make a little joke that's all.





Moving swiftly on, you may also be saying to yourself: I wish he would tell us all about his adventures across the channel!





And so I shall.








We arrived in the country on Monday, around midday, and went on to spend THE REST OF THE DAY inside the car, travelling painstakingly slowly towards the small house my Nana owns, in the South of France. It was a 15 hour journey, and I'll list the effects it had on my body.


1. When I refused to use the disgusting public toilets (as I couldn't shake the thought of some tubby Frenchman rubbing his garlic-stained arse around the bowl) I found that strange piss-like stains began to emerge all over my body.


2. From continually sitting in one position (pressing my forhead against the window in a desperate attempt to break free from this prison of meat and cotton) I found that when I stood upright once more, my arse had moulded itself into the shape of the seat, which had imprinted its insignia onto my backside, so that it now looked like I had a grilled panini at the bottom of my back.


3. During the journey, out of sheer boredom, I found I would casually slip a silent fart, and observe the reactions of my family members, as their curiousity turned to disgust, and then chocking horror as they lunged for breath, thrusting their heads out the window and gulping down the fresh country air.


4. I began picturing the grisly demise of my fellow passengers by my hand, over and over inside my head, until I decided that in order to live, they must die. Unfortunately at this point, the car stopped.

After arriving et cetera, we took our first nice little trip to the beach, at about 7pm the next day. Ella scuttled off into the distance, I walked alongside the waves. It was magical. Ahh.

On the way back we passed several of the hugest rip=offs I have ever seen. We went through an "African themed" market. And I say "African themed" in the loosest possible way. It was basically used as an excuse for some french pikies to sell their tat. There were crappy shirts, knock-off sunglasses, and beads. BEADS. As well as that there was some fella with his own little kitcen table setup, trying to sell his "Amazing new invention" to people, which was basically a pair of scissors that he used to cut parsnips and shit. Unfortunately he'll soon find most people are using a more advanced model known as "The Knife". To be fair to them though, there were a few African things. Paintings and sculptures of bare-breasted, slender African women before a golden sunset. You know.

And then we bought some overpriced ice-cream. I had the Cookies flavour, hoping for something even vaguely symbolic of the cookie dough flavour of the Ben&Jerry's range. Instead it tasted more like being slapped across the tongue with a wet bit of plaster. Still, Ces't la vie.
In the car going home, I started to become glued to the seat by some sort of adhesive created by the mixture of sand and seawater between my buttocks, but soon fixed the problem with a gentle expulsion of gas.

That's it really. Had a rainy day in after that, and today returned to the beach, and I took most of it home in my hair. And became red.

I'll bring you up to speed with more incredible misadventures as they come up. CIAO!