4 lions

Maybe I'm getting old and sentimental, because my last few reviews have reflected the same template as this; or perhaps I've just stopped going to see films that I know are going to be shite. Yes, that's probably it. Over years I have developed an "advert scanner" which allows me to instantly judge films just by their trailers. Like those people who can guess how many sweets are in a jar just by looking. You know, freaks. Anyway I knew Sherlock Holmes was going to be craptastic and, by god, was I right. It was crap at its lowest. Crapzilla. Crap Kong. You get the idea.

So you'll forgive me when I say:

WHOOOOOOO! LOL BST FILM EVA!!!1!!!!! SOOOO FUNNY LMAO!!! OOOOMG!!

Because that really does reflect my true feelings for this movie. In fact if I may, I think I'll add a rofl. Can I do that? I can't? Ok. Sure.

It's got everything. A laugh-a-minute plot, a bouncing pace, flawless characters (flawlessly devised, you understand. Any character that was actually "flawless" e.g. lacking in flaws, would of course fail. Like the Die Hard fellow), a hilarious script, a touching ending, and Phonejacker! What more could you possibly want? I mean seriously if you want more than that then dear god how do you sleep at night you leeching, porky, brain-dead tortoise scrotum? I mean CHRIST! Christ would enjoy this film, if it wasn't basically poking religion with a stick. A f***ing funny stick. With a big bomb on it. KAPOW!

I'm sorry. I'm just so excited. Like when you throw a rock and you accidentally hit a bald guy and find out that their heads are actually balloons as he whizzes off into the afternoon breeze, screaming for mercy before you watch his limp body plop back down, landing miles away on the tight-packed dirt. That's literally how excited I am. I'm limp with anxious bubbling energy, and I saw the bastard 3 days ago! I'm not saying the film itself is exciting. I just get excited by genius. And this may not be the creation of some new element, or some poxy new policy; thought up by some greasy politician whilst he's tying a noose against his bird cage; which can somehow create some sort of lasting "peace" in the middle east. No! It's neither of those things. It's written, acted, filmed genius. And that's the best genius ever.

This bit is a message to Phonejacker. Hey buddy. Maybe you're reading this...I dunno. After your Facejacker thing I thought you were a bit of a sellout, because, I realize you're doing a sort of Sacha thing; but the thing about his characters was that either he put people in slightly awkward situations or revealed them to be an outright racist/homophobe etc, so maybe in your show, instead of taking the piss out of cripples you could expose someone's intolerence. Like you did with that Nappy bloke. Anyway those were my thoughts but now my opinion of you has changed forever. You've really outdone yourself, partner. Do a touch more scripted work and I think you're on the fast-track to Hollywood, Mein Freund. Ok. Anyway, bye.

What a lovely guy. Maybe. Might be a bit strange. I'll never know. Until I get famous myself. So soon. Soon I'll know. To sum it up, in conclusion, in summary, finally, to end it all, if I can just get a word in, 4.7 stars. So 4 stars and maybe a star with just 4 points. Just in case I see a better film. Which won't happen but you know, I'm thinking they might find this review, pay me to give them good publicity for the sequel and what do I say then if I've put 5? 5 again? Nobody will believe it was exactly as good. It'll be better (rare) or worse. But they won't make a sequel anyway because SPOILER ALERT everybody dies.