Yeah so anyway, bolt.

Imagine you're sitting there. Jumbo mint-thins bleeding into the carpet from your stained slacks. Your arms are coated in last night's lasagne which you lick off lavishly in front of big brother live. Makes a change from wallowing in your own cheese-grease. Finally, bored of watching people sleep, you struggle to your bare, unruly feet. They slip around on the wine sloshing around on the carpet from that time you had your alcoholic younger sister over. You waddle your way over to the television. You reach for the button you assume turns it off. (You only saw that you should do it this way on one of those adverts for eco-efficiency, you LOVE how patronising they are. They feel like your only friend.) But wait, out of the corner of your eye you spot an unmarked dvd, lying with the shiny side up in a tub of what was once some very dissapointing rocky road. You lumber over and pick it up, you heap of a buffoon. You put it on and some cheesy animation washes over you like a tidal wave of ... things you don't understand. And it's animated! Pah! You press that button you were looking for and fall back with a slosh onto the carpet for a snooze. Hey, lardo! That movie you switched off was about to get better. Oh you senseless wobbling tub of all things twattish. The movie goes from: "Huh, ha! How cheesy. I hope it's not like this all the way through!" To: "Oh right it's not like that at all! It's funny and quirky and just like all things disney! And those pigeons are hilarious!" That last one eventually explains itself as you can tell. But Yeah. It's really worth watching for some delightful warm comedy. If you'd kept your pasty eyes open, you might've shed a tear at the sheer beauty of it.

It doesn't try to be all out comedy, because Disney are clever like that. They make you beg for the comedy, then flog you for your efforts. Then, when your back is bleeding like a waterfall of tomato puree and you're spitting and defocating all over the floor they throw some gourmet leftovers into your Tippex-covered skip. You thank them profusely, you try to follow them on your knees until you see through your bloody blurred vision the raising of a whip. You turn and wait for the pain. You know it's worth it. Maybe this time, at the end, that hamster will say that thing he says again. That'll be "cool".